BREAKING: Saudi Arabia announces “anti-coalition coalition”

34-nation alliance hailed as a success as Lebanon, Pakistan, Malaysia, Indonesia deny knowledge of membership

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Oil rich kingdom also considering war on irony

 Riyadh, 16 December: Senior Saudi officials have today confirmed that following months of delicate unilateralism, they have successfully identified 34 allies to join them in an unprecedented alliance to take on the concept of coalitions.

Speaking on condition of infamy, a source close to the Royal Family told reporters that they considered coalitions one of the greatest threats to stability in the 21st Century:

“The Islamic world needs to take a stand. We need to confront and push back coalitions and those that help them promote their violent ideologies.”

The official cited Iraq, Syria, Lybia, Yemen and Afghanistan as just some of the places where the destructive and hate-filled actions of coalitions and their sympathisers had led to massive suffering on the part of civilian populations.

Analysts were initially divided as to whether Saudi Arabia was committed to tackling the scourge of coalitions, with some suggesting that the announcement was a PR stunt. However, as it became clear that almost none of those included in the coalition were aware of their membership opinion has shifted.

Bernard Lewis of think tank ICBS said:

“Some have accused Saudi Arabia of standing idle or even being a sponsor of coalitions itself. However, by announcing this coalition without informing many of its most important members, they have struck a blow against the very concept of knowing and consensual involvement in an international alliance based on mutual goals.”

 Initial reports had suggested that the coalition was intended to target terrorism, but this was dismissed by the Saudi officials:

“Saudi Arabia creating a coalition to take on terrorism would be as absurd as Saudi Arabia chairing the UN Human Rights Council.”

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